neglect and apathy

I’ve been neglecting the blog a little the past 10-12 days or so. I’ve been working a ton of extra hours at work as I was running a big training for 20 staff members last Wednesday & Thursday, so I was working about 9-10 hours/day getting ready for that and it was just overwhelming my mental capacity.

But to be honest, I’ve also been struggling with apathy.  Essentially, my depression got a little bigger the last 2 weeks, which keeps me from engaging.  I skipped a few workouts in the morning, and slacked on my evening or lunch walks.  I kept my eating pretty on point, but about 10 days ago I got attacked by the peanut butter monster and went a little overboard – well as T pointed out – overboard for me.  Which was eating directly from the jar and not measuring it, and eating about 2.5 tablespoons full in one sitting.

So to fight the peanut butter monster I made more protein balls.  I basically use peanut butter and protein powder to make little balls of energy to eat every so often.  This time I mixed about 4 different peanut butter types to use up the last of the jars that I had been snacking out of.  Then I threw away the jars.  I didn’t want them anymore. This has really helped.  No more dipping a spoon into the jar on the couch.

I also sneak eat, so I was hiding the peanut butter eating.  I still logged it (trust me – this was SO HARD to do – I really wanted to just not log it so no one could see my shame eating, but I forced myself to enter it).   It felt just like it used to feel when I would buy a jar of frosting and hide it from K and eat almost a whole jar while watching tv.  So it really made me refocus on breaking those bad habits.  I know I need to measure out my food and not keep food containers in the living room. I have to get up and actually go get my food from the kitchen/pantry and can’t have that easy access.  It’s hard to break out of that disordered thinking/habit I created for myself.


I did have some non-scale victories during this time though.  Usually when I ran a training, I provided sweets and breakfast pastries and sweet tea and used this as an opportunity to eat these yummy sweets that I normally didn’t eat.  I loved it and always bought my favorites.  Well, I still bought cookies and cupcakes, but also brought fruit & cheese this time around.  I have a few bites of fruit, but I ate my breakfast like normal and ate a tuna packet with a cheese stick for lunch both days and stuck to my plan.  Didn’t divert at all which is great!  And I didn’t eat any of the cookies the 4 days they were in my house before the training either – they sort of seemed tempting, but I didn’t really want them.

Another stupid thing that I was super proud of was when I was plating the cupcakes (which I didn’t buy but were left over from a birthday celebration at the office the day before), I got frosting on my fingers.  And then I used a napkin to wipe it off versus lick my fingers.  You know – that’s such a reflex – just lick your fingers.  But I didn’t do it!  I just remembered something Susan from BE said – it’s about control.  You wouldn’t lick your fingers if you had cat food on them, but you would if you had frosting/sugar on them.  Stop doing it.  I think about that all the time – I would never lick my fingers if I got cat food on them, which happens almost every other day.  So why would I lick them if I got some sort of food on them that I don’t eat.


well, that was the last 10 days basically.  I’ve got some great books I’m reading on fitness and strength training which I’m really excited about and I have 2 toys I have to finish making for someone, so I gotta focus on that.  And it’s finally warm enough to enjoy the pool, so I’m trying to ease back into that so I don’t mess up my shoulder again.  Glad the trainings are over but glad it went well.


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