I’ve been feeling kind of down lately. I’m feeling stuck. I’ve been working so hard and I’m not losing the weight right now. I’ve lost about 4 lbs in 4 weeks, which is low for me. And it just feels so exhaustingly slow. And I feel “big” – like I’m taking up too much space. I guess I knew at some point weight loss would get harder and slower, but I didn’t expect it right now. I was thinking in another 6 months it would slow. Everyone says it’s a stall, but my fear is that it’s done. That my body is saying – you’re as small as you’re going to get. I think it’s cause I haven’t been in a size 16 in 10 years and I’m afraid it’ll stop, but I’m not done yet. I know I shouldn’t stress about it, but I am. ARGH! I wish my common sense and knowledge of how this shit works would overrule my emotions and feelings on the issue. I’m also still worried I’m eating too much. But I see the nutritionist in a week and I’m going to talk to her about it. I know that really this is just my disordered relationship with my weight and food rearing it’s ugly head. This is just my eating disorder. This is just my fatbrain and my body dysmorphia kicking my ass. But it is – it is kicking my ass and bringing me down. But, I have stuck to my eating plan and my exercise plan and I’ve kept my shit together. It’s just my brain and emotions running around like crazy.
Another thing that’s been going on is I’ve really been feeling low on energy and motivation lately. It has picked up some in the past 7-8 days, which I think is in part because I started eating real food for breakfast instead of my protein shake. That seems to be giving me a little more energy in the mornings so get work done throughout the day. I think though it’s also partially just because once I identify the problem I work really hard to resolve the issue, and so mentally I’m working on being more present at my job and getting stuff done. I tried changing my anti-depressant meds a little to see if that would help, but it just made me more emotion, so I switched back.
It’s just hard. Life is hard, and sometimes it’s harder than other times. This week has been one of those harder times. I’m glad it’s the weekend, but dreading it at the same time. I’m dreading it because I have to change around my meal planning plan a bit. My roommate no longer wants me to make her meals, which means I have to cook a lot less. So I need to work out how I’m going to do that properly. I may just work on cleaning out the freezer meals I’ve been putting in there over the past 2 months this week. I don’t know. We’ll see. Right now it feels stressful.
But, not giving up. Going to keep moving forward. I did my 5 days at the gym this week, 3 evening walks and probably another one tonight. Going to try and workout tomorrow with my weights at home to start creating a “routine”. I’m going to keep pressing onward and upward – I just need to get it all out so I can move on from it. ♥♥