cleaning out the closet

So, I’m losing a shit ton of weight (but that’s not really the point of this post).  The point is that means I’m dropping sizes like crazy and nothing I own fits me.

I’m lucky enough to have a friend who runs a plus sized clothing swap in the area, and she has been buying my big clothes off of me – letting me swap some things out or giving me cash for my clothes.  This has been awesome.  Before I started losing weight, whenever I went to her swaps, the amount of BIG clothes (4x+ and 26+) were very limited, so I’m super happy that now all my ridiculously huge clothing items will find their way to her racks and will make another very big girl very happy to find options. I’m getting to give back to the community and another big girl who needs cool looking clothes to wear.

That being said – it is super hard to give away my clothes.  Some things I haven’t had a problem giving up.  There were a lot of pieces I had only because I couldn’t find anything better that fit.  Being that big limits you, especially if you don’t have a ton of money to drop on clothing.  So some things that I didn’t love, or that weren’t my style – those were easy (well easier – it’s all fucking hard) to get rid of.  But others – even though they are 3 or 4 sizes too big now and can’t really be taken in – I’m having the hardest time getting rid of.  I loved some of these pieces of clothing.  I felt sexy or cute in them, the colors were great, the fabric was nice looking, whatever.  It’s hard getting rid of things you loved even though you know you don’t need them anymore.

Also – is it wrong that I can’t stand all this money walking out the door in the shape of clothing.  I spent good money on a lot of these things (fat clothing is NOT cheap) and it’s hard knowing I’m giving up things that cost me hundreds and hundreds of dollar.  I was going through my closet last night because my friend has a swap next weekend, and I was pulling out dress after dress of dresses that are now falling off my body. I won’t be able to wear these again.  They need to go, but I had to eventually stop going through them because I was panicking.  I think in total, I have about 20 pieces of clothing going to her that I probably spent about about $800 on.  And that is money I can’t replace and I surely don’t have the funds to go spend that on new clothes.

I think I also have a fear of getting rid of clothes that are big and then needing them again later on down the road if I gain the weight back.  It’s that fear that comes with constant weight fluctuation and continual dieting – that you will eventually gain it all back.  It’s inevitable – you did it before, so you’ll do it again.  I’m trying to remind myself that because of the surgery and the crazy amount of will power I’ve gained through this process, I won’t be able to gain it all back.  I mean, I know physically it’s possible to, but that these things will be incentives for me to not gain the weight back.

The other hard part of all of this is trying to find my style.  But that will have to be for another day.  Just talking about getting rid of the clothes is kinda making me a little overwhelmed again.  dresses-53319_960_720

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